dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
