Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
