just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
