bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
