I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
