just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
