just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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