Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
