She said her name was "party"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
