I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
