I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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