You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
