But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
