Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
