Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
