You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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