my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
only you would photoshop your dick
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
