i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
