the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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