My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
