The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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