Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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