I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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