My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
