The maid of honor just puked.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
