last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
