i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
