if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
