make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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