I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
