Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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