I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
