I have demons in me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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