If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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