I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i think i have two assholes
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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