I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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