I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
