Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
