I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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