pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
That accounts for only three of the penises
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
