I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
