Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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