genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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