if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
This is classic penis vs brain.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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