My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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