i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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