My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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