we have officially lost it.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
