Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
