I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
