Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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