There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
