He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Terrible idea I love it
I touched a dick in church today
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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